Saturday, November 16, 2013

Remembering Sex

This is another grown-up post. You've been warned.

I wrote in an earlier post that I was not averse to some sex play with my boyfriend, and that the more we played sexually, the less sex was a problem in our relationship. I've gotten a lot of questions about this and a lot of people were really imaginative in what they thought I was talking about. Many of them were way too imaginative. So I have learned that if you are on the internet, talking about sex, you have to be very clear or else your point just gets lost.

So here is what I mean when I talk about a healthy sexual relationship that does not require constant sex.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I are at home, I put a male chastity device on his genitals. The chastity devices can be purchase at local sex shops or you can buy them online. We started out with one that he bought for himself online, and when he discovered he enjoyed it so much, he started to realize that the one he had chosen was not necessarily the best, because when he was soft and was wearing it for two days at a time, it would start to slip off and he'd have to readjust it. In other words, it seems that some chastity devices are designed for short term use, and others are designed for serious long term use.The short term ones, from what he tells me, are "pleasantly uncomfortable" but then they start to pinch or rub him the wrong way after 12 hours of use. The long term ones are a little less exciting in how they feel at first, but they are obviously actually designed for long term use.

The short term one that he first tried was called the bird cage (NOT SAFE FOR WORK) from extremerestraints.com. It was good, and he liked the heaviness of it, and the feeling of cold hard steel was a real turn on for him and me, but since the only point of attachment is at the top, it tended to slip around after a while.

When we started chastity play, he would either put himself into chastity or he would have to tell me outright to put him in chastity. EIther way, he would give me the key to the chastity device and it was up to me when he got released. At first, he would be in his chastity device for just an evening, then we tried it all day, and then later for three or four days at a time.

After the three day chastity stints we invested in another device, the CB3000, which he likes better for long term use because it stays in place better and doesn't pinch. Your mileage may vary, but that's what he and I have found.

It took me a very long time to understand why this was satisfying for him. But ironically, he has told me that being locked up by me is, to him, like having sex all day long. I never understood that at first, because locking him up so that not only does he not have access to his own penis but cannot even achieve a full erection when he is excited, seems like it would be the most opposite thing in the world to having sex. But for him, the excitement of feeling locked up like that and knowing that I and I alone can free him, is apparently wildly exciting.

I'm just gonna take his word for it.

So anyway, the point is we discovered that chastity devices for him are sexually satisfying. Moreso, in many ways, than having sex multiple times a day every day, because it just so happens that I am not going to have sex that much with him. It's not that I don't love him and am not excited by him, it's just my brain and body don't work that way.

SO instead of having sex with him, I lock him up. It keeps him happy, and I'm happy knowing that he's happy.

The one burden I have in all of this is remembering to lock him up. We found that it was vitally important for me to initiate locking him up some times. He used to always lock himself up, and I was more comfortable with that because I assumed that he knew when he wanted to be locked up better than I did.

That was wrong.

The answer is he always wants to be locked up. I could do no wrong.

So I would remind myself every three or four days to put him back into chastity. Three days in, three days out (more or less), and it worked!  He loves it. He's kept happy and blissfully sexually frustrated. But I have to remember. Even on days when I am not feeling sexy or sexual, I will make sure I either ask him about his chastity device (how does it feel? do you still enjoy it? aren't you just dying to get out? let's lock you up because you've been out of it for three days. don't enjoy your freedom too much because i'm locking you up in two days...  and so on.) or whatever is appropriate.

This all leads me to the conclusion that a big part of sexual problems in relationships is not necessarily the amount of sex or even the quality of sex. It's the lack of sexual engagement. The lack of sexual engagement is what causes the problems. One partner, usually the man I would bet, wants to think and talk and obsess about sex and one partner simply fails to acknowledge that sex is a thing. She thinks that they have great sex and that they have lots of sex but what she fails to realize is that the man is never satisfied. So problems arise.

But I think that men don't care what kind of sexual engagement they have as long as it's sexual and frequent. You don't have to have sex every day for the man to be happy. You just have to engage the sexual part of his brain in a way that satisfies him. For some men that might be something simple like telling him he's handome and that he turns you on. For other men, it might be locking him up in a chastity device for half the week and making him go crazy over whether he's going to get to cum at the end of it, or if he's going to have to wait another week. For other men it might be something different.

For my man, I lock him up in his chastity device, and sometimes (once or twice a week usually) when we're home together I tell him to leave his clothes at the door. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's a little strange to look over at my guy and see him naked with a plastic sheath over his penis. But then again, it's pretty damn cute, too. I love this guy, and it makes me sublimely happy to see him happy. And if that's what it takes to keep him happy, then that's what I'll do.

At first I was a little worried about what he could and could not do in chastity, but it turns out that he is completely unhindered by it. He can lift heavy things and run and do all the normal activities that he ever does. It's no big deal at all. He has not once asked to be let out of chastity, except when he's getting horny and wants to be let out because he wants some action. Those are fun moments, because I can choose to let him out. Or not. It's up to me. And either way, he has no recourse. He can't argue. There IS no pressure on the woman when the man is locked up. It's a BIG change from relationships where the woman is complaining that the man is too sexually aggressive or the man is yelling at the woman because she never gives him any action.

The funny thing about it is that ultimately the woman is always in charge of the sexual interaction of a couple anyway. Even in the cases where a woman likes to be swept off her feet by her man, she always only wants that when she wants it. I don't know any woman who actually wants her man to just come in a start fucking her, even when she thinks she does. So the woman is always the one in control of sexual ... access, shall we say? The only difference is, when the man's in chastity they both know that she's in control.

And I think, ultimately, that's what turns the man on so much.

If you are interested in this kind of relationship, you should definitely try it. It has changed my relationship for the better (not that it was bad in the first place, but it has been with other men in the past) and I know my man is happier for it.

I'm no expert on the subject so I don't know the best way to breach the topic. My boyfriend actually bought himself his first chastity device and said he wanted to try it, so I didn't have to break the ice on that. I had to perpetuate it, but that's relatively easy.

If you think your boyfriend would be interested in trying it, you can buy him a chastity device for his birthday or christmas. Believe me, he will probably be more excited about it than you would have guessed. Obviously use your common sense. Your man might be one of those alpha male meat heads who will be insulted by such a gift (although there again, you just might be surprised) so only try it if you know a little something about your man's willingness to try new things, and who is secure in his own masculinity enough to have it taken away from him!

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